Timberlake to protect Sector 2814????

Wowsers - Harry over at Ain't it Cool just dropped a bombshell.

Cameras should be rolling yesterday on the upcoming Green Lantern film, seeing as how it's supposed to open on December 17, 2010 and all. A ton of names have been bandied about for the role of Hal Jordan - most recently Bradley Cooper and Chris Pine.

But Big Red's got another name for us now: JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. That's right. The boy band guy. The Dick In A Box guy. The I-got-my ass-drug-all-over-Hell-and-half-of-Geogria-for-a-Pepsi guy.

Knowles claims that a spy at Leavesden Studios sent him the tip, and that Timberlake is just one of the guys that's seriously being considered for the role.

I don't know. To be completely honest, I'm not that familiar with the man's acting work. I saw Southland Tales, but nobody should be judged for that train wreck. His SNL work has been pretty funny, but I'm not sure pretty funny is enough to wear the ring. Interesting news, indeed.

UPDATE: Now The Hollywood Reporter is saying that Bradley Cooper and Ryan Reynolds round out the triumvirate of candidates up for the part. Strange that there's no mention of Harry breaking the story this afternoon. And by strange, I mean it would be odd if they actually did. Dicks.

Will Smith and Francis Lawrence Destroy Manhattan. Again.

Variety is reporting that the Will Smith/Francis Lawrence one-two punch that brought us I Am Legend is at it again. This time, instead of cleansing Manhattan of humanity, they're simply gonna break it off and float it over to jolly olde England.

Lawrence is on board to direct City That Sailed, a story of a bond so strong between a father (Smith) and his daughter that it causes part of NYC to break off and start bobbing across the ocean. Smith will produce along with James Lassiter, while Brian Koppelman and David Levien (Ocean's Thirteen) will polish an original script by Andrew Niccol (Lord of War, Gattaca). 20th Century Fox will foot the bill and inevitably mess with the story.

I gotta say, at least it's an original concept. I Am Legend is one of the best halves of a movie I've seen in a long time. The first hour was great, but once the rubber CGI zombies showed up, I started crying for Richard Matheson. Lawrence sure has an eye for tearing up an urban environment, so at the very least, seeing Manhattan detach from the mainland and float across the North Atlantic should look pretty spiffy.

Why The Green Hornet Will Never Be Made: A Diatribe.

This has been a long time coming.

While I was growing up, there wasn't an internet (at least not one I could access without credentials from the DOD). Cable was around, but it didn't come to my town until I was in 4th or 5th grade - maybe even 6th. I don't remember. Most of the news about the world of movies, television, comic books, and any cool shit in general came from magazines. My local drug store had a decent comic and magazine rack, and one day, I found a magazine called Starlog. It was a magazine that covered the world of science fiction – movies, television, books, models and collectibles. To think there was a group of people out there that actually cared enough about all the stuff I loved to put a magazine together about it! It was incredible!

Most of the time, Moose Drug carried Starlog, but every once in a while, they just wouldn't get it in. Small town businesses are like that - they kinda just have to take whatever the distributor has and go with it. On those occasions that they didn't get that month's issue, my Mom would take me into Concord, the next-biggest town over from Mount Pleasant. Concord had a mall, and at that mall was a Waldenbooks. They had a great magazine rack, and I could always find Starlog there - and sometimes, I could find other cool magazines as well.

One of those other magazines was Comics Scene (which just so happened to be a subsidiary of Starlog), a rag dedicated to comic book stuff. There wasn't a comic book movie coming out every month back in the 1980s, so most of the news in this magazine was speculation. The mag was essentially geek food-for-thought; a smorgasbord of wouldn't it be cools - ideas about how to bring certain characters to life on both the big and small screens.

Around 1988, news started pouring in about Tim Burton's big-screen version of Batman. Comics Scene was THE PLACE to check out photos of Michael Keaton in-costume, early looks at the Batmobile, and all the gadgets the Dark Knight would employ in his quest to conquer crime in Gotham City.

After the movie came out, it was a smashing success - even if the true fanboys such as myself were disappointed in the final product (but that's another story). Overnight, Hollywood began the scramble to find the next big comic property, and finally, Comics Scene had some real news to report.

At the back of each issue, there was a list of properties currently in-development. One of those properties was The Green Hornet. I had never heard of this alleged comic book character, so I looked into it. I found out that it was a tv show back in the '60s, a film serial in the '40s, and a radio program even back before that. Okay, I thought - so where are they taking it?

Here's the thing. It was a tv show in the '60s, yet my father, who sucked up just about every television show that came down the pike back then, could hardly remember it. I was just over at his house, sucking down Red Bull and vodkas, listening to YouTube clips of Howard Stern's guys prank radio swap & shops. We're tight like that.

"Do you remember The Green Hornet?" I asked him.

"No," he replied. "I mean yeah - I remember it, but it was just kind of there. It didn't really make an impact. I remember it was a show. Other than that, I can't tell you jack."

"So, it wasn't like a big thing," continuing my line of questioning, "Not like a Batman or Superman type of thing."

"Not even remotely," he replied. "I remember it existed, but other than that, you're on your own."

Now let me take a minute to qualify my father. In the early 1980s, he went out and bought our first VCR. It was a 4-head Fisher front-loader – a pretty good piece of hardware at the time. The very first thing this guy did was record every episode of the George Reeves Superman series. I don’t remember what channel it was coming on at the time, but it was on somewhere, and he taped every damn one of them. He’s still got the tapes, and breaks them out to show my kids every chance he gets. The man is a serious Superman fan.

He couldn’t give a flip about The Green Hornet. I’m telling you – it never made an impact in small-town America. Maybe there’s a big city, blue state contingent of Green Hornet fans, but if there is, I haven’t heard of them. Neither has my Dad. Oh sure – you can go on the web and find a fan site for just about everything, and the Green Hornet is no exception. For example:

Exhibit A: The official website of the Green Hornet.

Exhibit B: The Green Hornet World Wide Web page.

Exhibit C: There ain’t one.

The Green Hornet wasn't Superman popular. Hell, it wasn't even Time Tunnel popular. This show had zilch impact on the cultural zeitgeist. Go ahead and tell me I'm full of crap; I don't care. The Green Hornet didn't do anything. Maybe - maybe it had an impact while it was a radio show - maybe. I can’t verify that – all the people who might’ve listened to it are dead now. The film serials? I don’t know. Most of them are dead, too. The rest? They simply don’t give a damn.

Here's the deal: somewhere in Hollywood, there's a really, really old producer who's got his finger in the Green Hornet pie. Somehow, someway, this old coot is connected to the property, and as far out of step with reality as this guy is, he still seems to think that there's money to be made off this character/property. At the same time, this faceless producer has pictures and/or video of various directors, writers and stars locked in very, very compromising positions. My theory is this; this old goat of a producer has been blackmailing rising stars into committing to starring in The Green Hornet for the past two decades. As these stars rise, they make enough money to pay off this old rascal and get out of this inevitable disaster. Here’s a timeline of the movie’s development to illustrate my theory:

Actually, there isn't a timeline. No one on the internet gives enough of a squirt to put one together. For that matter, neither do I. If I knew anything about it, I might take the time, but the fact is, I simply don’t know – I’ve never seen it. The movie serials are available via Netflix, but I’ve never been a big fan of that kind of thing. The tv show isn’t available on dvd - at least, I can't find it. I think there are some bootleg dvds out there, but I’m not putting forth the effort to chase ‘em down. I’m just not that into it.

The farthest back I can go via the internet is sometime during the mid-1990s. George Clooney was associated with the project then, right before he did Batman and Robin. Now – as much crap as I’ve given The Green Hornet over the past couple thousand words, maybe Clooney should have done that one instead of the cinematic abortion that was B&R – but he didn’t. In the end, it didn't hurt him too badly. Other names associated with the project over the years have been Mark Wahlberg, Jake Gyllenhaal, Kevin Smith, Sam Hamm, Steven Chow, Chow Yun-Fat, Chris McQuarrie, and a slew of others.

I wish I could remember all those names tied to the project those many years ago in the pages of Comics Scene, but I just can’t. I simply recall reading about the project, year after year, and seeing absolutely nothing happen with it. It became a joke to me; I didn’t have any friends throughout middle or high school that gave a shit about comics – so it was a private, personal joke. Month after month, I’d flip to the back of the magazine, and month after month, I’d see different names associated with the film. Eventually, towards the end of Comics Scene’s life cycle, the listing simply read Green Hornet: TBA.

Sometime in 2007, the news hit that Seth Rogen, of all people, was signing on to play The Green Hornet. Now let me set you all straight: I’m a Seth Rogen fan. I love the guy. I’ve got absolutely nothing against him. But that old coot producer whose existence I theorized? I’ve got a bad feeling he’s got the goods on Rogen. We all know that Seth likes the wacky weed, and every now and then, that leads to trouble. Anyone see Pineapple Express? That stuff can really happen, you know - and in Rogen’s case, it must have. He pulled some crazy stunt, someone caught it on video, and it ended up in the hands of that crazy old bastard that’s hellbent on getting The Green Hornet back in the public eye. Hell – it’s even got a release date of July 9, 2010! That is exactly ONE YEAR FROM TODAY.

Guys – we all know how long it takes to get a film together, especially a big budget one. It ain’t gonna happen.

Three hours ago, Entertainment Weekly announced that Cameron Diaz is “considering” an offer as the female lead in The Green Hornet. What this actually means is that she’s let loose the hounds, and she’s trying to track down the photographic evidence. As soon as she gets her hands on the proof (that – or she meets the ransom demands of Old Coot), she’s off the flick. Guaranteed.

It’s sheer serendipity that I decided to vent my decades-long perplexity tonight. I hadn’t seen the Diaz story, and I didn’t know that it happened to be exactly one year TO THE DATE until the The Green Hornet's announced release. I swear to Christ, it’s a complete coincidence.

Nevertheless, you take it to the bank: The Green Hornet, as a feature film, will never see the light of day. I’ve been carelessly following its development since the late 1980s, and since then, nothing’s changed.

NOTHING.

(Don't take this too seriously: obviously, the facts that I've never been able to catch an episode of The Green Hornet and my father's disinterest in the show hardly support a thesis that states the movie will never be made. All that proves is that I talk out of my rear end, and my Dad's a really big Superman nut. It's just a completely pointless memory I've had for twenty years that manifested into a written statement out of sheer, unadulterated boredom. The fact that I didn't even mention Bruce Lee should be proof enough that the article is in jest, but just in case, let this disclaimer serve as proof that I have nothing against The Green Hornet or anyone that's ever been associated with it. I still don't think it'll ever happen, but I also thought that William Shatner would actually end up in the new Star Trek film, too. Carnac The Magnificent I ain't.)

Clive Barker's Book of Blood Headed to the Bargain Bin

Clive Barker's had a shit run of luck as of late. Last year, The Midnight Meat Train (starring a then-still relatively unknown Bradley Cooper) got the shaft, spending about ten minutes on a hundred screens. Now, it looks like a similar fate is coming down on Barker's Book of Blood - it's headed to DTV Hell on September 29th.

Bloody Disgusting's got the red-band trailer, and it looks good enough for a theatrical release. Hell, any horror movie without a PG-13 in front of it should be good enough for a theatrical release these days. Other than Sam Raimi's Drag Me To Hell, PG-13 horror just doesn't get it done.

Head on over there to check it out. I haven't read The Books of Blood since I was 19, but I remember ripping through them at an incredible rate. There's some great stuff in there, The Yattering and Jack being my personal fave. Barker's a fantastic writer, and he deserves better than this. Be sure to check out some of his art before you go to bed tonight. Sweet dreams!

Red Band Funny People Trailer shows Funny People being Funny

Judd Apatow's at it again. Funny People, the dramedy about comedians, death, life, and Adam Sandler's head on a baby's body, now has a red band trailer for you guys to check out.

MySpace has it up over at their Trailer Park, but if you don't feel like logging in and dealing with that mess of a home page, Collider's got a copy of it, too. Or, you could simply enter your birthday below and happily click play.

Happy 25th, PG-13. Thanks for watering down action flicks and taking our boobies away.

Video ETA has a cool piece about the history of the PG-13 rating. Seeing as how I'm 35, I remember life before the dreaded designation - the good 'ol days, when a happy, healthy little boy could go to the movies, buy a ticket all by his lonesome, and enjoy the wonders of a bare female ass, a set of boobies, and maybe even a flash of bush. Alas, in the summer of 1984, the world changed - and the opportunities for prepubescent boys to gawk at nekkid women in public became harder - and harder - to come by.

You learn something new every day. The PG-13 rating wasn't all about nudity; there were also the issues of harsh language and bloodletting that brought about the creation of the category. You see, I've always thought that the first movie to be saddled with the confusing classification was Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Temple was released on May 23, 1984 - a little over a month before the new rating became official. When it was released, Temple carried the traditional PG rating.

But here's the thing: I know the theater I saw Temple in had it listed as PG-13. I was, at the time, going to a summer camp for smart kids. I was a bright kid, but my talents were more on the creative side of things; I was good at writing, drawing, history, music - the right brain stuff. This summer camp was for math and science dorks, and I sucked at both. But since I was in the gifted program at my elementary school, I got lumped in with the rest of the smart kids, and we went to this camp.

We went to class during the day, and at night, they'd have all kinds of different activities for us. One night, we got to go to the movies. It was a small, privately owned theater in a small, southern town. There were two movies playing that night in July. The first film was Rhinestone, a Sylvester Stallone / Dolly Parton trainwreck that I'm sure the Italian Stallion still regrets to this day. The second film was Temple of Doom.

We had a choice as to which movie we saw. Most of the boys chose Indy, and most of the girls chose Rhinestone. But here's the thing; I remember vividly all the boys making a big deal about Indy, because no one had ever heard of this PG-13 rating. At this theater, in the rural Piedmont of North Carolina, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was advertised with a rating of PG-13.

Back in those days, whatever was making money stayed in the theater, no matter what new flicks came out on Friday. Indy was bringing in a ton of loot, so it stayed there. Looking back, and now knowing the history of the rating, I'm guessing that the theater manager caught some flack for the violence and the tense imagery in the film and just made the call to re-rate the thing himself. That's gotta be the answer.

The article states that Red Dawn was actually the first film in wide release to carry the PG-13 rating, and I'm sure the article's accurate. But back in the summer of 1984, I sat outside the theater and stared at that awesome one-sheet for Temple of Doom. Indy stood there in that firey archway, a machete in one hand and his trusted bullwhip in the other. I didn't notice the tiny print in the bottom left-hand corner that displayed the PG logo. Above the poster were some tiny tracks with changeable letter copy, and along with the movie times, there was a rating: PG13.

Somebody pulled a fast one on me 25 years ago, but it doesn't really matter. In my mind, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom will always be my first PG-13 movie.

Jonas Brothers head back to Camp Rock, Still Virgins

Here's the story from THR, but until they fling their promise rings in fits of hormonal rage, I got nothing. God, I miss Bill Hicks. Enjoy the pic.